Coed Soccer Teams

I've noticed something about coed soccer teams. The boys on the team tend to avoid passing the ball to the girls, especially when they see an attacking/scoring opportunity. It seems as if their reason for doing so is because they don't trust the girls to handle the ball well, but sometimes they really don't have anything solid to back up this mistrust. Whether they know it or not, girls actually can play soccer. "Shocking", right?
I'm not saying all girls are phenomenal soccer players, nor am I saying that they're typically better than boys at the sport. Boys tend to be born with better bodies for playing sports, and that's just a natural advantage that they've got. Girls can't help that. I'm just saying that it's not fair to disregard all the female players on the team solely because of their gender. I know of plenty of female soccer players who can easily hold up their own on the soccer field.
As far as recreational soccer goes, I think both boys and girls (on coed teams or not) tend to forget that the point of recreational soccer is not to win, but for everyone to participate and have fun, boys and girls of any ability level alike. They sometimes justify their behavior based on having a passion for winning, as if it were a virtue, but in reality it merely illustrates their total lack of perspective.
Competitive matches are a different matter entirely. In competitive matches, (in my opinion) it's up to every player on the field to do what they think would be best for the team. But I strongly disagree with players immediately eliminating passing to girls as a valid option, just because of their gender.
If a girl on a coed team is a bad player, I'm not saying guys should pass to her just so they don't seem sexist. But if there are people on their team who are genuinely bad at soccer, then (in my opinion) they're not really playing competitively. If they're just fillers so they can meet a minimum roster quota, they're not really playing competitively. They're playing for fun; they're playing for the experience, and they should treat their matches and their team with that mentality.
It's also important to remember that players can up their game, I mean, that's one of the main reasons teams have practices: to get better. But if certain players aren't even given a chance with the ball, they won't be able to prove their advancement in skill.
If there's only one thing people take from reading this rant of mine, it should be this: I can confidently assure you that excluding players is not going to improve your team's chemistry, and without good chemistry, you'll never have a truly good team. 

Why Gift Cards Are Stupid

              So, I've wondered for a while now why money wasn't seen as an acceptable gift. I mean, honestly, who would complain if they got money? It's awesome. It's useful. The only valid thing people can complain about when they receive money is the amount of thought that went into it. But honestly, finding someone a gift within your price range that they'll like is really hard, no matter how well you know them. You can never tell for sure if the person will like it or not since people will most often pretend to like a present that they don't care for just to spare your feelings.

              Right after Christmas, if you go on eBay or craigslist, you will see a ton of unwanted Christmas presents being sold online for really cheap, but you'll never see an "Unwanted $50 bill". 

              So honestly, who's making such a big deal about gifting money? Whoever they are, if they're ever gifted money and they don't want it, they can send it to me. I won't complain, I promise ;)

              Here's the part that really doesn't make sense. For some reason, the world has decided that it's unacceptable to gift money. That's stupid by itself. But what really makes no sense is that I can't give you $20 for your birthday, but I can spend that on a $20 gift card and give it to you instead? Do people not see how stupid that is?! What's even worse than that is that gift cards are literally money minus the freedom to spend it wherever you want. Why would I spend these $20 (that I can spend anywhere I want) on a little plastic card that I can only use at a few select shops? Perhaps even only one? And then, by purchasing this little plastic card, I put an expiration date on my money. 

              Also, just to get this out of the way, a $20 gift card is not worth $20. Not even close. Let me put this further into perspective: Imagine I owed you $20. Imagine as I was paying you back, instead of giving you a $20 bill, I give you a $20 Toys-R-Us gift card. Would you consider that to be me paying off my debt, or would you do something along the lines of laugh/bash my face in until I gave you $20 cash? 

              Exactly. Because a gift card is NOT worth as much as the money it was purchased with. It's worth a lot less. 

              You could end up only being able to use that card on one store. You couldn't use that card to buy yourself a pizza (unless it happened to be a gift card for that particular joint). Could you imagine how stupid you'd look if you handed the pizza man a Toys-R-Us gift card as payment for your food? Why would you wish that upon yourself or someone else? Exchanging your money for a gift card is like throwing your money away. Literally. A New York Post article estimated that between 2008 and 2014, $44,000,000,000 worth of gift cards went unused, which means that you just gave your money away to those companies for nothing in return. 

              After reading this, do you still want to go out and buy a gift card as a gift for someone?

Do yourself a favor and stop wasting your money on these stupid gift cards. After hearing all of this, if you still feel like giving someone a gift card, do them a favor and just give them the money instead. 

Note: I hope that after reading this you don't think any less of me. I know I sound a bit like a greedy, money-loving, pretentious jerk, but it was hard to sound like anything less than that on this particular subject. I also hope I didn't offend anyone who has given me a gift card before, because that's not my intention at all. 

Stigmas

            So, I’ve come to the conclusion that people mock other people’s struggles for two main reasons: Either they don’t understand them, or they understand them all too well. That’s why everybody is uncomfortable when it comes to talking about mental illness - more specifically, anxiety and depression. They’re uncomfortable subjects, and it’s weird because so many people struggle with these things, millions of people, and yet, they’re still so misunderstood. There are so many stereotypes and stigmas surrounding these very real struggles. It’s unreal how misunderstood these mental illnesses are, especially considering how common of an issue they are. Depression affects millions of people, and yet, people still think it’s a choice. The reality is, you don’t choose to have these things. You don’t wake up and decide, “I think I’m going to try to be depressed.” That’s not how it works, and if people are doing that, that’s just contributing to the overall misunderstanding of these problems. It makes sense that these issues are so misunderstood when there are people out there who are saying, “I have anxiety because I get nervous meeting new people,” or, “I have depression because I get sad sometimes.” That’s why people have got to stop perpetuating these false stereotypes. There needs to be a mutual understanding of what it truly is; what it truly feels like; how it affects someone. A clinically depressed person cannot just stop being depressed, and this is the advice that they get from people who don’t understand. People say, “Just stay strong. Put a smile on your face. Try something new. Go meet new people.” The reality is that depression will stop you from doing all of these things. People still have this weird notion that you choose to be happy (or not). So happiness is a choice, your frame of mind affects everything? Well, not when the chemicals in your brain are all messed up. You don’t choose to get depression; you don’t choose to be born with anxiety. You don’t get to choose these things. When it comes to hurting yourself, people make all these jokes: “Oh, I’m going to go cut myself because you said that." People don’t realize that maybe there’s someone around who can hear you who has been struggling with that, and they just go make a joke about it, like it’s some foreign issue that nobody around has ever had to deal with. It’s just something crazy people do, right? That’s what it’s treated like. You can’t be like, “Oh, yeah, I can make this joke because none of us are like those crazy people.” You can’t do that. And you shouldn’t be making those jokes in the first place, I mean, for the reasons I mentioned from the very beginning, I understand why these people are doing what they’re doing, and it’s easier to cope with something you don’t understand if you make a joke about it. The sooner these people realize what they’re doing, the sooner they realize that stuff they don’t understand doesn’t have to be scary, maybe they’ll stop cracking jokes about slitting your wrists. Maybe they’ll stop thinking killing yourself is funny. Maybe they’ll stop telling their friends, “Oh, go kill yourself.” Maybe they’ll stop throwing these serious phrases around in public places where someone with depression, someone who’s survived a suicide attempt, could hear. So many people know what it’s like to have your struggles made into jokes, and that’s just not fair. All these stigmas surrounding mental illness just contribute to them being made out as trivial things you can get over, things you’re faking. 

            If you talk about your depression or anxiety, you’re seeking attention, you just want people to pay attention to you, you want people to feel bad for you. If you don’t talk about it, you don’t really have it, you’re faking it. If you don’t act depressed or anxious, you’re faking it. You’re not depressed. You’re just saying that. You’re just using it as an excuse. 

           That’s what's being said to people who struggle with depression and anxiety. So the only thing I want to do is make other people aware of this. No one needs to be making this world even harder for people who are mentally ill. You can help make it easier. Support people who are dealing with these things. I find the number of suicides per year appalling, especially considering that we can do something about that number.

I thought I would let you guys know some of my story to start with. Thought it went along with the depression theme.

Home Run Finally

The story of the danger of the kids that fell into our arms, but how glad we were that they did.

Yes or No?

“Either one of you has the power to change the decision for the entire family.”

My parents had said to my biological brother Jaden and I. They had come into the living room of our house just ten minutes ago and told us a story about two boys in the most painful of situations. The story was followed with a question; our answers would change our lives forever.

Our parents had been trying to make us a  foster family for a long time, taking classes, and doing loads of paperwork. We had watched my mom cry for a baby, wanting to change the child’s future forever. Wanting to have a little one again. She wanted to hold the child and keep it safe, she wanted a baby so bad, but the call we got was different than we ever could have expected. The agency wanted a home for not one, but two boys, and not the baby we had asked for. These boys were ages four and five. There was an unspoken expectancy in our family, if we got a call for anything but a baby, it would be turned down because we, as a family, had decided on an infant. 

I had been an only child for the first five years of my life and understood what it was like to give up time with my parents because of new children. My love language was and still is quality time, giving more of that up was scary for me. I was eleven, about to be initiated into my dad’s youth group, and I had a pretty normal life. Hearing the story of these boys being abused and neglected was heartbreaking for me. Heartbreaking doesn’t even explain the pain I felt at that moment. It was more like my heart was being thrown in a blender and put the setting on high. I was sobbing. I wanted to say yes to them coming into my home, coming into my life, but I was scared. 

We had done a program called Safe Families before coming into foster care, and it had torn me apart. We would have little kids come into our home and become part of the family. Then they would be ripped out of our care and thrown right back into the terrible situations they started at. We had one infant named Anthony that we loved to death.  My mom attached to him the most. When we went to return him to his mother, she handed off the baby to someone as soon as my mom handed him to her, and she began to smoke a cigarette. But, above all others a little girl named Tia was the most devastating. 

She came to our house an angry little girl. I guess that isn’t true, she came to our house a happy girl that didn’t like me. I didn't know why, and I still don’t, But I loved her. I loved her from the instant I saw her. I tried to love her, but she hated me. Mom said it was just a little dislike, and she would get over it, but I knew she hated me. I don’t know why she did, but it was plain to me. I did all I could to love her and eventually she stopped hating me. It was really hard for me to keep on trying, but my hard work paid off. She didn’t love me as I did her, but she didn’t hate me. And just as soon as I could earn a hug occasionally, she was ripped from our home and sent to her dad. It took me so very long to recover and just as I was getting there, she came back. Her dad couldn’t keep her. So we kept her and she learned to love me. Everyone thought we were going to adopt her and I felt so close to  God. Then her dad made a call to DCFS (the agency we were foster parents through) and somehow got her back. We never saw it coming. I cried so hard the night she left. She was the sister I never had and doubt now that I ever will have. My heart went with her to her dad’s house and it took me a very long time to take it back. I have and probably always will live with the hope to see her again, to hug her again. I hope she remembers me as vividly as I do her. I have never fully recovered, and I definitely hadn’t when we got the call about the boys.

As my parents were explaining and I was crying, the only thing I could think about was that they were gonna leave just like Tia did. But I couldn’t let them live in a world as cruel as theirs was. So I said yes, always thinking in the back of my mind, I am not gonna let them into my heart. I built walls around my heart that even all the kings horses and all the kings men could never break through, but God could, and did through my life with Josiah and James.

The Early Days

James and Knowledge were their names, and they were the cutest things ever. With all that had happened, however, they were very angry and walled up kids, just like I was actually. They had visible scars on their arms and legs and even faces. Knowledge (Josiah now) had a white scar between his eyes. When they came here they looked like stolen objects. They looked like they had been in one place one day, and in a new family the next. Which was very, unfortunately, true.

From day 1 they wanted to leave. They thought we had stolen them from their last foster home, and wanted to go back. Their previous foster home had been a foster to adopt. That family waited the six months, (that is required before adoption in D.C.F.S.) and got ready to adopt. But they did not want James. They wanted just to adopt Knowledge and separate them. James has some brain disorders, and it was difficult for people to deal with him, but that is no reason to separate brothers. D.C.F.S. pulled them from that family immediately and sent them to us. They wanted to go back and they didn’t want anything to do with us. 

I knew from the beginning that it was going to be hard, but I never expected anything like this. James would hurt me physically, which I probably could have dealt with, but he hurt me emotionally too. He would say things like “you’re ugly” and “I hate you,” but most of all “I don’t love you.”  or  “I will never love you.” It  hurt me so bad to think of adopting him, but him never loving me. It tore me apart slowly and piece by piece. I was broken. I didn’t want to try to love him like I 

should. I dislocated myself from family life.  

For those of you who are good friends to me, you’ll know I’m an extrovert. I love people. In that time, I slowly disconnected with people, and almost nobody noticed. But two people did. My best friend Ruthanne Hunt, and my sister/mentor, Brianna Russel. They saw me slip away from friends and try to slip from them, but they had too firm of a grip on me. They didn’t let me go. I would have fallen into depression, and  probably ended up suicidal, but they didn’t let me go. Ruthie helped me with the things that came back. The things I dealt with. As a three-year-old, I went through something hard no one should go through at that age, or ever... I didn’t remember it because God kept me from remembering. But that didn’t last forever. I had a dream. It was a bad one with every detail I didn’t know three-year-old minds could register. I came into my mom’s room crying, having a nightmare. But it wasn’t a nightmare. It was the reality. Mom had to tell me that and I broke down. Apparently one in four girls in America went through this as a toddler. Ruthie helped me get over that and in the next year I was over it and had dealt with it.

Ruthie has always stood by me in every situation, even when it sucked. That saying “through thick and thin,” was majorly thick in our lives…. or thin depending on which is bad. It was just bad, but she always stuck by me. My life pretty much  sucked for a year, but she was there always. Loving on me, especially when I didn't accept it, caring for me when I pushed her away. She is awesome and has been there for me with everything. 

Brie. What can I say about Brie? She made me her little sister and challenged me where no one could. She is a wonderful person I will always look up to. She brought me out from torture and showed me the lights in all things. She showed me there can be happiness without good circumstances. She showed me that life is hard, but can be the best thing that ever happens to you, but that you have to make it the best thing that ever happens to you.

So life at home wasn’t easy, but we got through it. I won’t go through all the hardships and details of everything bad because I am too anxious to get to the good. Our family’s story shows a lot of trust, victory, failure, and hardship. But we won the battle. We have to finish the war, but we have won the battle, and the enemy had no chance of defeating us.

Can I finally hit that home run?

So I am going to fast forward a year or two, through normal family life, and difficulties, so we can get to the fun part. Here goes.

Mom and Dad had been arguing a lot lately, because of all the paperwork. You would not believe how many trees have to die for all the adoption paperwork for one kid. Imagine two! So things were tight between mom and dad, and we were thinking about changing the boy’s names and it was all too crazy! Someone decided a two-week road trip family vacation was a good idea. Yeah right. Nice try! In the first three days, I was grounded for a week. In the next week, it changed to two weeks. I was seriously considering jumping off the grand canyon after the fifth hour at looking in the hole in the ground! It may be big, but it is still a hole in the ground. So by the time we got home, my mom and I were ready to snap each other's necks, and dad was ready to snap anyone's neck that spoke. Fun family vacation right? NO! It was horrible. Even if I wasn’t grounded I would have stayed in my room for at least two weeks after. It was bad. Somehow we pulled it together and worked it out. Our family does that, every time, but for a while it was hell on earth. Not the caption amazing perfect family picture you would want on your wall, right? Everyone seems to think it is easy being a foster family. It isn’t, but it is worth it. Let’s just say it isn’t for the faint of heart. 

A couple months later it was time. Time to make my brothers mine. No more leaving, no more separating. I could finally open my hearts up to the boys. I was finally, no going back, was going to put my arm into it and hit a home run with these newfound children, that despite my hiding, had found a way into my heart.

Epilogue

In the next couple weeks, everything was finalized, and they were ours. James and Josiah, Knowledge but a memory. They were MINE. I was able to open up and love them.

Please don’t misunderstand me when I say this because although we are closer than ever now, my brothers are still brothers and can be annoying and frustrating as any other sibling out there. When the adoption gets finalized, nothing magically changes. Life doesn’t become heaven, unfortunately, but it changes little things. As in Josiah’s smile was a bit wider, his eyes grew brighter, and James’ hugs were firmer.

Adoption is a process as anything is. Life is too. We have to follow the recipe and make our own little tweaks as we go. This was hard, but we did it. Nothing worth doing is easy. Whatever you are going through right now as you read this, you’ll get through it unless you give up. Promise yourself you won’t.It makes everything worse. You got this. I got this. This life is short so…

Carpe Diem

(seize the moment)

Welcome Jessica!

I'd like to give a very warm welcome to our new author, Jessica! She's great at writing. I hope you guys will enjoy her.

Choosing Happiness

I have a lot of friends who struggle to make the right choices in their lives. While there are many wrong decisions to make (the world is full of them), I wanted to talk about one specific wrong decision that people make every day, one that I have made before.

This next part is for people who have friends who are struggling to choose happiness.

I have a friend who recently chose to start hurting herself again. She's done it before. She feels like when she hurts herself, she's releasing that negative energy on herself instead of others. Since she's doing this, no one else will get hurt. Right?

No. What she doesn't realize is the effect that she is having on the people who care about her. As her friend, I care about her. I know that the decisions she has made are going to have a negative impact on me and her friends & family. She doesn't realize it. But in hurting herself, she's hurting anyone and everyone who cares about her.

It hurts, to sit by people and watch them destroy themselves, knowing that you can't stop them. Knowing that they have to choose to want to live, and that you can't force them to make that decision. You can protect them. You can temporarily stop them from hurting themselves, you can stop them from attempting suicide, but you can't always be there.

You can't always be there. It's a horrible realization, but it's one that everyone who has a friend struggling like that has to come to. If they are really trying to kill themselves, then one day they will succeed.

That's something I've had to accept.

I'm not saying that there is no hope. I'm not saying there's nothing you can do. I'm saying that ultimately, it's up to them to choose to want life.

Sadness is inevitable, but at the same time, it's a choice. Here's my list of things you can do to choose happiness.
1: Don't spend your time with people who make you feel like there's no option other than sadness.
Don't give them any attention. They don't deserve it. You'll just be feeding them more and more. It's what they want.

2: Don't let negative thoughts go through your head. Sometimes you can't help but think something negative. I get that. But you can choose to think about something else rather than thinking about it over and over and over again. Like I said before, that'll only lead to self condemnation. To avoid thinking about those things, you can do something else that requires your full attention. Read a book. Talk to a friend (Actually TALK to them. Texting is not going to help you, because in the time that you are waiting for a response, you can turn your attention back to the negative thoughts).

3: If you are dealing with personal problems such as a broken home, bullies, cyber bullies, or anything else like that, you need to talk to someone right away. These things can be the source of your sadness. If someone or something is spouting out sadness, you won't be able to choose happiness. These problems can all be fixed. You can talk to a parent, trusted adult, teacher, etc. and they will get you support. I wouldn't recommend just talking about these things to your friends. While they can help support you, they won't be able to get you any help and they can sometimes give you bad advice.

Don't ever, ever choose sadness if it can be avoided. Choose happiness! We live in a big, beautiful, lovely world full of so many great opportunities! No one wants to be sad. No one should want to be sad. Anyone telling you that sadness is the answer is lying to you. Don't believe their lies.

Be happy. Choose happiness.

Note: I'm not really talking about clinical depression in this post. I intend to write a post that goes more in-depth as far as my opinion on that goes.